my mom cares more about my sister

2 Sources. It is also normal to feel resentment if your parent didn't support you in times of need, if they were overly critical of you, if they expected too much, if they failed to protect you from other hurts, or if they did not make you feel accepted and loved. This article is based on reporting that features expert sources. So, (my sister's) role became: You call them and chat with them every night. Answer (1 of 6): You would have to give a little more detail as to what's going on but it sounds like to me she is likely picking favorites. For more information, please see our This is what she does every time she comes to see mom, I never know what's going on until the day of her arrival. She has a doctors appointment in a couple of weeks. My dad works hard every single day and has some health problems. Clear head, good heart and tune the rest out. Dec 22 I had to learn its about money How much they get The house value? We would use respite but with this pandemic , facility care is not an option. Unfortunately, two of the four siblings in my family are incompetent and cause trouble rather than help. The agreement stated that whichever of her children stayed in the house and cared for either her or her husband would be entitled to half the inheritance of the house, I dont care about that, however, I just lost my mother 7 days ago. I was the youngest child, my father died before 1 year of age, and I became the most successful as an adult. My sister refuses to give me my mom and puts her in a assisted living until they deem they cannot manage her dementia and I finally get the chance to get her here. Im so stressed up! I had to put my kids in-front of tv all the time so I can take care of her and take her to all appointment (she didnt speak English). Why doesn't my mom care about me? She always looks after my sister and My husband says that I shouldnt have to tell them, they should know and come. Any suggestions on what I should say to get my point accross while also sharing a few heart warming stories about my mom (of course my sis is also doing the eulogy). So my husband and I soldier on and hope when it is all said and done, we will still have something left of our health and sanity. So to them I know I dont look good for setting limits on my life. It has never been explicitly stated but I know that our family cares more about her than about me. A little more than a year prior to separation, my 17 year old, whom wed never had any trouble with, met some guy, and she ran away. I just wish I could make them all understand that she needs their love, strength and support. Listen well, and listen with an open heart. Having worked with advocacy superstars in elder care sector, i learned about falling preventative caregiving tactics, organizing docs for legal dispute communications and teaching/learning about emergency decision making and power struggles. Is this normal? Get everyones feedback. Im also not necessarily in agreement about not talking to the parent. They held her hand and did the lions share of her care. It has been exhausting and I have done without a social life, lost friends, etc. She is a wonderful loving kind person and has little money, but the love.. Some people take the reigns & take action; thats their way of helping thats their love language. What was supposed to be shared never happened what was supposed to be love between siblings towards care for our beloved parents never happened what was supposed to be kindness to each other never happened. In what universe can anyone honestly believe that its ok for one person to have to do it all? But the times siblings cried off with very little notice had me in tears. I wont complain God gives me the strength and guides me.I always had problem with the family. I slapped his backside lightly in a discreet attempt to get him to stop but he didnt. It was the volume of chronic daily stress and management, and my siblings utter incompetence and disregard for my loving father that made me sick. My siblings also took their accusations that I am exploiting our father financially to the local elder protection agency who investigated me and reviewed Dads bank records. It starts with someone complaining that my parents should already be in a home somewhere and it escalates from there. Atleast my twin brothers My mom had me when she was 17 and shes always been young and most of the time irresponsible. I asked them, when you go to work every day and get a paycheck at the end of the week, who keeps the check? Reddit, Inc. 2023. I got her her last rights, I have masses said for her, I CRY and struggle with PTSD and sometimes suicide. Thanks for sharing ! They dont think I deserve the house and the money because I devoted TWENTY YEARS of my life to making my mom my EVERYTHING!!!!!! Replenishing medical and personal supplies. Calling her and email. Its a tough job and they have no clue. I work a very full-time rather stressful job, my sister does not work. But, you are not caring for them. 55 Sister Quotes - Best Quotes About Sisters - Women's Health My sister, my mom, or myself Scan this QR code to download the app now. Is very draining and exhausting for me. My advice would be, try not to go it alone, you will never be hailed a hero in these situations. Ever feel like your parent care about other people's kids more than you I pray my hearing goes in my favor tomorrow. The fallout has been horrendous and continues to be, so please take heed and dont be another me! My mothers prayers have been answered. And a couple of years later, my sister said I know how hard what you did for Moma was. But with some effort and careful communication, siblings can resolve these issues and pull together to support their aging parents in a way thats supportive for everyone in the family. Can you try asking a different way? I don't even remember what I told her but I excused myself. About a year after separating, all of a sudden I became a horrible mother, wife, and bad to drink. Print This Article . I need to find a way to dismiss their value in my mind. That we looked so much alike and that she was sure that I would be a great solace for the children who miss my sister so much. Where parents have rights and responsibilities to each other for the best of the child, who is our mom. (Each time this has backfired.) Im at the beginning stages of taking care of both my parents long term by myself. That the writer equated one thing with another was outrageously thoughtless. Here is the number for the abuse hotline: 1-800-799-7233. But she never took my outstretched hand, never wanted to move forward. Thank you for this post! We work hard to involve Dad and include him, sometimes hes not happy but I really think if the other siblings could just take the time to try new things it wouldnt be so miserable. He is growing more frustrated with me because he thinks I do too much for my father in law and he doesnt feel it is fair that his sisters arent stepping up to the plate to care for his dad it even his brothers. My dad has been diagnose of stage 4 nose cancer. Yet they are trying to get her to move near my sibling, who even she said didnt prioritize her like the in-laws; but shes a pleaser I guess you can say, loves her grandkids, and the area. My brother and his family keep telling me that our mum should go into a care home but she doesnt need it. Dad was a long-haul truck driver. They were out traveling, going to concerts, etc. Controol what you can control. Im the one who has memories of her choking on her medicine when I had to give it to her by syringe because she couldnt swallow and lost ALL her teeth due to the radiation treatments. tl;dr my sister is stealing everything that sets me apart and my family loves her more than me. Their disfunction created my reality. Tammy came to live with us and Bailey followed shortly after. When you're on the high road, you're very aware. I never once ever was or have been resentful. She then said the children are more important than us adults. I fully believe that if it were her husbands family that was in need, she would be there with bells on her toes. I was the main caregiver for our dad, by choice. I clean the closet. Anything else, like updating opthers, is gravy. The paper was signed and witnessed by a lawyer. Thank You !!! I have lived in solitude for almost 20 years now and while I do love children I don't think I . They talk about me Im now short with them I have told them how I feel and now they just avoid us even more. I want my old life back, Dont blame you. My daughter lives close to me but is self sufficient. My Mother has leukemia and there is no cure for hers. My mom was going to put him in hospice. I dont think the sibling who steps up is always the one who has the parents best interest at heart. I feel that out of respect for us, that she has no right to just show up when she wants and stay in my house. Your mother is making choices about what she wants. I couldnt believe he was talking about the house, which is paid for, no mortgage, and I just let him talk. I cried all night. Sometimes your parents choose you and sometimes geography does. Our mother is furious with all of us even though I had nothing to do with this and I do not condone having anyone committed until youve exhausted every other option. If a patient requires care, that could go on for years. Im the youngest among 3 siblings. Her excuse. Better for me to ask them to step in where I wasnt very good. A social media influencer and mom from the North Bay who went viral for a 2020 Instagram video falsely claiming a couple tried to kidnap her children has been sentenced to jail, prosecutors said . it was very empowering and I loved my week away. Caregiving has made her family even stronger, Miller says. I don't know why but I felt his presence so I asked her if he was there. My father died years ago and my mother is 83 years of age there are many days I wish I could be like them Buy a stove or something and pick up the phone when I want too ! As a clinical psychologist, Strohman has spent more than a decade working with adolescents and families in her private practice in Arizona. Reading all these comments makes me feel a little bit better. Very few phone calls to ask how she is. Billy Bobs ballgame vs sitting with a sick parent who could die any minute. Your email address will not be published. Thanks for your article. My Mother Essay - 680 Words | Bartleby Similarly, since your mother is in early dementia and probably doesn't remember many episodes of her abuse, you should try to let your resentment towards her go, too. Your story is beautiful and its funny that your siblings and you balance each other out lol. If the arrangement was that you would care for your Dad then its time to renegotiate. I am an employee of this family only without any pay. She has never stepped up to follow through with those words, but that doesn't surprise me. That just helped her process what was going on, and being able to connect., When Millers father passed away in 2014, her ailing mothers situation at home became untenable. My brother lives about 90 m. away in another state also. She has also served as a member of UCLA's clinical faculty, in the department of psychiatry. Hi I care for parents, as they live with me, I have other issues, I am the person who have to tc of my family too. Working Daughter is the best site name anyone could ever think of. There are no shoulds in caregiving. Thank God and your sibling(s), who are doing for your parents what you have the option to say no to, and please have some understanding and kindness in your heart when that sibling says they are done, and respect their decision. Ive been told my sisters are just on the border of elder abuse because it is illegal in our province to force medical care on the elderly. Im now questioning whether I was wrong to be traumatized by watching him do this. And then there the one sibling who never moved out of the house, never got a car, never learned to drive, never contributed a cent and has been sponging of the parents for more than 50 years and exploited them financially. I read the comment posted by another reader to avoid not going to the elderly parent about the sibling problems. Dont expect your sister to be anything than what she is. I am sorry you are dealing with this. Does this make sense? (She will eventually need a NH, but now just isnt that time, and assisted living is completely out of our financial reach.). I cant anticipate no life at home. Families are more dispersed now than they have ever been, ODonnell says. Wishful thinking: Even though I learned to be thankful for my role, my husband did not. You cant change her and you dont need any extra drama. If youre looking for a community of people who understand, join us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/groups/workingdaughter. They dont have to have a bulletin board with their embarrassing bodily issues and the work you do surrounding that is what keeps the healthy environment alive. I wash her hair every time I go, I pull the chin hairs out (or shed look like an old man. Any thoughts would be great. A friends birthday party instead of being at the hospital for a parents life threatening surgery. I don't know what to teach them, what to say to them and most importantly I don't know how to live with people. My point is be your best self and rather than rely on outside validation for what you do, honour and respect yourself by validating it TO them! You are not alone. Best Continuing Care Retirement Community (CCRC), Best Medicare Advantage Plan Companies 2023, Best Medicare Part D Prescription Drug Plan Companies 2023. Check out tteepasnow.com for some great info on dealing with dementia and specifically difficult behaviors. We each have siblings that want nothing to do with the care of these aging parents but I can assure you they will be there when the time comes to collect their inheritance. Ultimately, your parents and your sister are making choices who to call, when to help. I go to the nursing home every other week for a few hours, I know its not much at all. And to stop saying my name. I bring clean clothes. Then back to my work on Tuesday. Are you even in them? I just want my part, and absolutely deserve it, though all I did over the past 20+ years was because I cared. Im constantly seeking outside help but its so hard to find in COVID times. Siblings dont help, they do nothing they cant even be bothered cooking a meal to help out with the tiresome workload. This is an amazing post! In fact after mom was in the hospital I slept on a chair next to her bed for 2 months. They may have different perspectives on what their own roles should entail. Dear Newsweek, I have been the caregiver for our mother for almost two years now. Heres how I did it https://jessicab40.sg-host.com/find-your-b-side/. I am responsible for our mom. Miller is a certified caregiving consultant, founder of the Happy Healthy Caregiver online community and blog and host of the Happy Healthy Caregiver podcast on the Whole Care Network. I just cant bring myself to call my sister because I really dont want to have to resolve issues with her while I have so much going on with mom. Thanks for listening! I too have been in this predicament for 7 years . Shes always out and Partying while I took care of my brothers . And make your quality of life a priority. My mum and I have an understanding that we do our best work together when we are the most honest with each other if I dont say anything when she mentions a sibling thats behaving badly, she picks up on it and the lack of acknowledgement by me is frankly worse that just honestly discussing it. I am sorry you are dealing with so much and with so little help. I am paying people to do this. The realtor is just a person for hire. She was very sick, for about 5 years. My mom is a chain smoker. ?..Also I studied not just CNA, but I studied Nursing at a community college and worked in hospitals and nursing homesWhat the heck?? Not for a phone call, not to ask how you are doing, or how she is, not to help with finances or support of any kind. He wasnt happy with it and went off. Glad we connected. Being a care giver is something your siblings dont see or understand ! This led to us three siblings getting together to get her house sold because my brother offered for her to come live with him and his family. They tell me I have a victim or martyr complex as well. Only God knows the day and time. I told my sister I dont want to do every weekend. So detailed and informative! Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience. I appreciate this quick escape as I am writing this post. Still, you and your family do need therapy to try to stop the painful childhood memories from continuing to feed the resentments you have for one another. Often, it is related to resentments that go back to childhood. Caregiving started when my youngest was in middle school and the relationship with my siblings became strained in the last 5 years. If it seems like one of your siblings is getting top billing over you then it may be time to frank discussion with your parents about their relationship with their children. She never did either one of those, though. What to Do About It Emotional Health Fighting With a Sibling? God bless you and you will have your hearts memories hold them cherish them your world and your giving will never be forgotten in the loved ones whom you hold their hand through their journey of life. You need to take care of your parents and you. We aren't sharing details but you all are . I got up all those years and took care of her but somehow YOURE entitled to money FOR DOING NOTHING. My mom got worse, got thyroid cancer, was bed ridden, had pain EVER WHERE and my siblings all live close by. You get to make choices too. Ideally, brothers and sisters rally together to recognize a parents needs and challenges, make plans to address them and volunteer for essential caregiving tasks. The parent/s would be ashamed of many of these. He does everything in bed, eats mealseverything. It helped me during this restless night. I admit it, I am the sibling that doesnt help. If you have a personal dilemma, let us know via life@newsweek.com. Your parents will have to make another choice. I never felt this way before she came. I think that my Dad puts this defense up because if he acknowledges the truth it will make it real and he isnt ready to face it. Anything I accomplish or achieve she does either before me or better than me. Often they use the excuse of her having a family so doesnt have time. (Dad took care of mom and then a friend took care of Dad) I was sort of the lead in many of the issues you address. She had a massive heart attack and became brain-dead. I moved in with mum when dad died 6 years ago. I try not to be bitter, instead becoming prepared and having a Wonderful wife that never complained, at least not about my Dad. If you have parents, you have responsibility. Weigh it. My sister hasnt talked to me for 6 months after my mom died, she never went to see her, my husband and I did all the work. I was flat out turned down by Tim Scott of South Carolina when I reached out to him because he was a ranking member on the Council for the Aging. Will go to moms house help do her hair, clean up her bedroom. I am in the same boat where I have no life. I found a blog post with more helpful information about it. Thanks for listening. Mom was an abusive person and not much of a mom to him, and he has not been able to forgive her. Its not there. Sorry, I have to get my hair done. I can only tell you, it only improved when I changed my mind. She only loves me if I am useful for her. Best Places To Work: 2023 Applications Open, Best Places to Work for Working Daughters 2022, - Best Places to Work for Working Daughters 2022, How To Talk To Your Siblings About Your Aging Parents, https://workingdaughter.com/find-your-b-side/, https://www.facebook.com/groups/workingdaughter, https://jessicab40.sg-host.com/find-your-b-side/, https://jessicab40.sg-host.com/caregiver-bill-rights/, https://www.facebook.com/groups/workingdaughter/, https://jessicab40.sg-host.com/how-to-talk-to-your-siblings-about-your-aging-parents/, The Hardships of Taking Care of Elderly Family Members, https://calendly.com/liz-wd/wd-coaching-call-1?month=2023-03. Damnit, I was trying to avoid this moment, I joked. It was the last time my mother ever spoke to me. Find a friend, a spouse, an online support group to vent to. Him and mom do not speak at all. I think it is perfectly OK to keep troublesome/mean siblings at arms length because for ME, their behavior isnt healthy, and yes, I do think neglect by other siblings of the caregiver sibling can be classed as abuse. Plus I had my kids. The load, however, rests on my shoulders. They made a difficult choice. Never discuss this with or in front of my parents. It doesnt matter if youre one of six or theonly child. I hate talking to my siblings now. I keep saying when my mom passes, Im done with the whole FAMILY. aim worried about my marriage, my husband is getting resentful and I dont like this about him. Keep in mind, she is choosing to tire herself out, and you can choose to let her. My mother is happy and sad. My sisters are much, much better in those areas than I am. So I started going over once a week just to deal with any little issues and a visit that they could rely on and save all their issues for that one day. You dont realize how much goes into caregiving until youre already immersed halfway up to your elbows with multiple responsibilities to meet. I feel she would be worse in a care home as she is used to being independent and would be even more confused as to where she was and who people were. You are doing an amazing job- not just the care, but also focusing on what matters most. These are a very small sample of the multitude of excuses Ive heard people use, in and outside of my family. My brother lives in a cabin in the mountains and hasnt worked in the ten years since hes been released from a prison 12 ,00 miles away. Subscribe now to join our MSA family! When one of my siblings would tell me they needed to take a break from our family crisis to buy groceries or do laundry it would make me crazy. I have tried to be nice but set reasonable boundaries. He feels his siblings are being selfish and he wont even talk with them cause he doesnt want to hear their excuses. And Moma patted my check and smiled at me and said Its ok honey. Everyone cares about my younger sister more than me and she is stealing One of my siblings threatened the facility where Dad lives and the leadership there recognized in general that my siblings, who rarely visit Dad, are the problematic ones in the family. Tammy, her boyfriend, and three kids moved in with us. I have four (4), yes 4 other siblings, and one sister moved to the city where we live, and began helping a year + ago (Thank God). I have been accused of playing the hero when I tried to explain that I just watched my dad for weeks dying and I am not ready to watch someone pick what they want. Glad I found this site. I am deeply resentful for what he is doing as he has no kids, goes to him tee times, works just enough as an accountant and then is a volunteer fireman while playing with Legos yes Legos at almost 50 years of age. About twice a year I go to visit friends out of state. Sooo frustrating. During the rest of the week, I have arranged for a caregiver and my neighbors at the house to check in on mom. I just cant NOT go. Communicating with the long-term care facility. I should not said anything to mom, she is very upset with my dad for leaving and dating an other lady. There is power in numbers. I do, I just have other priorities as well. The final option is to just accept the situation and move on. A blind man could see that my dad need carers in to take care of personal needs, but she ignores me when I bring it up. Top Rated Answers Anonymous November 20th, 2017 11:00pm I have the same problem, I think it's because she's younger than me. And gets harder as we age. I am sorry you are experiencing this. My sis was my moms caretaker and has received a lot of support, calls, cards, gifts, etc which is nice since she was taking care of her. We dont live in a tip. No groceries in the house, Mom? Thank you everyone for sharing. Hes getting better and stronger, but thats NOW..no one knows whats coming down the pipe, and while Im anticipating it and trying to think aheadmy sister is off partying like a 16 year old. There is issues my mum relates things that happen in my household to other siblings, as my DD will say things and these are all repeated. All they do is have a nice visit (if they choose to do so, which is rarely). As a parent's condition changes and care decisions need to be made, it's important the adult siblings keep each other updated as much as possible on the situation - what to expect, tasks . Whether it's intentional or subconscious, "a toxic person tends to be controlling, demanding, manipulative, demeaning, and/or self-centered," he says. I bring fresh flowers & throw out the old, clean &straighten the room & bathroom. Feeling like the only one thinking of my parent, by my own ch poor ice but feel frustrated no one else helps. No matter how handsome or pretty you are, or how much perfume youve always worn to disguise it, people can now smell the sewage. If your siblings dont like it, that is unfortunate. He also does nothing to help (at least he hasnt been arrested trying to deal with embassies and a foreign prison is unbelievably difficult). I am sorry you are not receiving any family support. I am with mother 7 days a week from 10 to 12 hours a week and she is almost 97 years old. My mother insisted and from that point forward it was ugly. Is it neglectful if my mother cares more about my brother and - Quora I do it out of love and obligation, but its very difficult. I had had some good talks with my dad and he had made me promise to take care of her until she passed and NOT PUT her in a home,but I am almost at wits end here! Also my husband has a multiple myeloma diagnosis from two years ago so she knows Im caregiving for my mom while my husband has cancer Although it is only stage one and he is able to work. Well, I dont knowmy husband killed himself in front of me, Ive had cancer, I have a horrible job that I have to keep in order to have the funds and keep a ranch home built for two incomes (and now theres only one) to take care of my mom because shes in a wheelchair and cant do stairs. He doesnt seem to be willing to accept that these things affect everyone differently. I was there for my mom 4 days a week at the nursing home.
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